ephlis01 SUMMER/FALL 2001 (THE LOST ISSUE): Part 12
Page 13: Leftovers (Viviene font):
LEFTOVERS
A random sample of never used fragments, ideas, puns, and premises languishing in my notebook...
- Fundraising Idea for Easter Seals: Chocolate covered pretzels shaped like crutches.
- Brain Williams leaves NBC, forsaking a promising television journalism career to devote remaining days to staring at his own reflection in an oversized three-panel dressing mirror.
- Pizza crust stuffed with whole pizza.
- Louis Armstrong thinks it’s a wonderful world. He’s dead.
- Brain transplants on badgers.
- Musty cologne by Mennen.
- Recent survey says 48% of those surveyed do not tell the truth.
- Roadhouse II: Patrick Swayze arrives in an assisted living community comprised entirely of blind people. He has no trouble maintaining order.
- Edible books with pages made of processed dehydrated pressed potato flakes.
- Nothing says love like a nightstick.
- Kristallnacht Vodka.
- He had acquired through no fault of his own a peculiar inheritance from an acquaintance, a trunk full of David Niven’s undergarments. Nothing creepy, simply a few pairs of white boxers, t-shirts and socks from the deceased stage and screen actor. Everything was very clean. If you are rich like David Niven, you probably have a lot of underwear.
- Deck Rangers, like Park Rangers but for decks. Deck Rangers keep your backyard deck clean and orderly, making certain rules of deck etiquette and behavior are enforced, preserving the inherent beauty of your deck for future generations to enjoy.
- I’ve got a feeling life on other planets resembles a large Indian city like Bombay or Calcutta. Noisy and chaotic, a mix of scents both sweet and stale, feces and incense, grilled lamb and garbage. Perhaps Indians were extraterrestrials sent to earth to enlighten us and before they knew it the British colonized them.
- In the end unity will divide us.
